Life Update

So many things have been happening lately, and I haven't written a blog in so long.

First of all, Colin is here!!!! Yay! He arrived on Thursday night, and I got to spend the rest of Thursday and some of Friday morning with him before he ran off to Reading for a family party. And he would have come home tonight if now for this snow (now he's coming back tomorrow).

So speaking of the snow... it's insane. Today I waited outside in this blizzardy weather for one hour waiting for the 107, and it never came. So my mom decided to get up early and give me a ride to work. Then once I got there (20 minutes late), I called my boss who told me to leave at 2:00 or whenever I felt comfortable (I was supposed to leave at 5). I hung in there until 2:10. It was crazy. I have to be there tomorrow from 10-5, but it's supposed to keep snowing until 11AM tomorrow, so we'll see how things turn out. I'm definitely going to make it in... I'm just not sure what time it will be.

In other news, school's out for winter break. It was my last semester of class... ever! So now I'm free except for this pesky 600 hour internship coming up in mid-January. I'm kinda excited about it. I mean, at least it's not class. And I enjoy working, so it's not THAT big a deal.

Christmas is in six days. Well like five now in two hours. I still have to do like half of my Christmas shopping. I just haven't had any time, and I NEVER leave it off this late normally. But Colin never told me what he wanted (still hasn't, so any outside ideas would be much appreciated), and I just haven't gotten to the store to get my mom's gifts, although I know exactly what I'm getting her.

In February, on the fifth, there is going to be a special concert to celebrate the 5th anniversary of The Academy Is' debut Almost Here. Super exciting, except for the fact that it's in Chicago :( I wsh I could go to that. It would be so much fun. I wonder if they're going to play all of the songs from Almost Here. Tom should make an appearance. That would be pretty funny. I can't believe it's only been five years. It seems like ages and ages ago when I first started listening to them.

Another 5 year reunion is coming up: my high school reunion. Yikes! The prospect of a reunion makes me feel really old. I haven't decided for sure if I'm going yet. We'll have to see. I have a lot of stuff that night, including an invitation to the MLMs album release party. I'm not sure which is more important to me at this point in time, since there are approximately 10 or 11 people who I graduated with who I actually want to see again. Not that I'm NOT open to seeing the other again, but really, if I didn't, it wouldn't be a huge deal.

Oh, btw...

I quit Saunders House. Finally. Thankfully. I'm so happy that I'll be done with that place in less then two weeks. I have never seen a facility decline as drastically as this one. I used to be so proud to work there. I loved going to Saunders House. Now I wouldn't send my worst enemy there. They've laid off or fired every single person that actually cares, and they are driving out the rest of the caring people. And now they're paying ridiculous amounts of money to an incompetent HR company with no healthcare experience. These HR people have no idea. They don't understand quality healthcare. They only care about money money money.

It's become horrible.

In the last few weeks so many handfuls of family members have come up to me saying that they are looking for other facilities for their loved ones. Good for them. I would do the same.

If I hear one more person comment on my relationship I think I'm going to scream.

You know what? Long distance relationships aren't bad things. Mine is actually great, thank you very much. But it's not easy. So if I have to endure one more comment about how talking on the phone is not the equivalent of a date, and that I can't possibly know someone as well because we don't live in the same state, I'm probably going to flip out. I'm going to post a copy of something that I posted on a LDR forum the other day that I feel expresses my relationship completely:

"I was just sitting here thinking about why a lot of us LDR couples tend to fall so quickly for each other, and I think it's because we realize that if this person wasn't extremely special to us, the distance would not be worth it. A lot of times, for couples who met in person first and then were separated shortly after (like me and Colin), we kinda have to sit down very early in the relationship and say, "was this a fling, or are we going to be exclusive now?" whereas most couples who are in CDRs are going to see each other often and don't have to worry about that deadline or time when one person is leaving.

I think just finding someone who you are willing to have a LDR with is pretty powerful, because it can be such a hard experience, and most of the time you have to be very serious about the person to endure that kind of longing and hurting. And in that way, like Mizpah said, you can view the distance as a friend, because it really makes you realize who is worth it, and who is not. And if you find someone who is worth it, it's amazing."

So there, glass-half-empty people in my life. If you don't like my relationship or if you feel the need to make ridiculous comments about it, then you obviously don't understand anything. And you're a jerk.

FINALLY!

http://thewilliambeckettblog.com/post/192565399/saturday-night-music-club-42-something-corporate#disqus_thread


Finally he came out and admitted it. I'm so happy for William and his little family. This is amazing news.

Also, loving the choice of SNMC. It's about time he chose something I know. Something Corporate has my heart always, even though I love Jack's Mannequin to death.

I can't wait for the new TAI EP on Tuesday!

OBX

So a belated account of my time in North Carolina:

Thursday: woke up at 5AM to get ready and make myself look pretty before heading to the airport at 7:00. My flight took off at 9:30 (I had to go so early because my mom was dropping me off on her way to work), and I landed in Raleigh at 11:00 AM. Colin picked me up at the airport and we drove straight to the Outer Banks. It was about three and a half hours down there, and as we drove, the sky darkened more and more until it completely opened up. The winds were raging, which was not the most comforting as we were driving over the really long bridges to get to the island.

When we finally got to Kitty Hawk, we checked into our motel, got settled a bit and then went out to Food Lion and picked up some basics (water, bread, lunch meat, fruit, snacks, etc), and then we drove to the beach just to look at how crazy the water would be in the storm. It was insane. The waves were so high and rough, and I felt like I was going to blow away just standing there. We went back to the hotel to get cleaned up, we were pretty messed up by the rain, and then later we went to dinner at a little place down the road called Jolly Rogers. Later, we went through a Brew Threw which is like Swiss Farms, except with beer. Like, you seriously sit in your car and they bring you alcohol!? I had been through one before but it was when I was a kid, so I really didn't have a recollection of it. It was still kinda raining, so we ended up going back to our room and hanging out there.

Friday: Woke up to clear skies and about 79 degrees. Went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, then headed to the Bodie lighthouse, then to the Corolla national beaches, which were gorgeous and pretty secluded. Since we weren't really planning on going to the beach at that time, we weren't in our swimming gear, but we just walked up and down the beach a bit and climbed some sand dunes. It was so beautiful. A little later we went back to our room, ate some sandwhiches for lunch, and then headed out to the beach again, this time the less secluded beach near us. The water was still pretty choppy, and the undertow was dangerous, so we didn't go in too far, just up to our knees. We sat on the beach for a few hours and then when the sun started going down we headed back to the room to get cleaned up. We got dinner at Tale of a Whale, this nice resteraunt on the inlet. The resteraunt is positioned right over the water, so it's pretty frickin cool.

Saturday: We had to check out of the motel by 11:00 AM, so we got up pretty early to get ready to leave. On our way to the bridge we stopped at the Wright Brother's Museum and stayed there for a few hours just looking at the museum, walking around the park and up to the monument, and we were even dorky enough to sit and watch a little movie about the Wright Brothers. haha. Then we headed home, and on our way stopped at a Pigley Wiggly, just because they're like this big southern legend and i've never even been in one before. It was sooooo exciting, except it was freezing in there!!! We got to Raleigh at around 3:30ish (I think), and dropped our stuff off at Colin's aunt and uncle's house. Then he drove me around town to show me all the cool areas of Raleigh, which is a really neat little city. Later, we went out to get Mexican food, which was de-lish! And even later we met up with Colin's cousin and her boyfriend for mini golf. Later that night we headed back to his aunt and uncle's house, had a little time in the hot tub, and then headed to sleep.

Sunday: My plane was leaving at 3:45, so we had some time in the morning. We went to a little flea market in Raleigh and just walked around and looked at all the junk that people were trying to sell. Then we drove to a lake before going back home so that I could pick up my stuff. After that we went to the airport, which was like the hardest thing of my life. I was crying like a little baby, and I felt so silly, but I miss him soooo much.

All Day...

I've had these two songs in my head. And then I decided to listen to them on my iPod, and I couldn't stop and ended up listening to Geronimo and Dropped by Phantom Planet all day. I don't know if it's the incredibly raw sexiness of Geronimo or the funky beat of Dropped, but I'm stuck with these songs in my head 'til the end of time, I'm afraid.

lyrics:

Dropped
I can swear I can feel the beating of a cold cold heart
Or there's a chill, 'cause it's showing through your clothing
And as far as I can tell
There's nothing underneath your v-neck tee
I'm begging, I'm begging, I'm begging you please
Now

Tell me that you want me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know

Won't you stop teasing me
Won't you take It easy
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know
You're never gonna go

Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now
Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now

Everybody knows the way the eye goes
Moving like a curtain closes over the finale
From your head down to your toe
Up and down checking you out now
Beyond a doubt

Make a copy in the office for the dest with the windows
In the ivory dome
You've made it your home
See you in the sills
Smiling ear to ear
Never gonna go

Do you want me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know

Won't you stop teasing me
Won't you take it easy
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know
You're never gonna go

Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now
Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now

Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now

Tell me that you what me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know

Won't you stop teasing me
Won't you take it easy
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know
You're never gonna go

Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now
Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now

Drop
Whatcha
Got
Now

Tell me that you want me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me 'cause I'd like to know
Now


Geronimo
Just one touch
That's enough
And it's like pushing comes to shove
I think you like this way too much
I think you're way fucked up
Four hands fight
Two hands tied
One wrong never felt so right
You don't want to make me blush
You want me unconscious

I scream bloody murder
Why don't you call me something dirtier?
Never thought this harmless crush
Could be so dangerous

Trading looks
Back and forth
You just make me want it more
I know soon we'll be trading blows
Getting on all fours and tearing of clothes

I can't belive this is happening...
You knock the wind right out of me
You don't want to make me blush
You want me unconscious

Just take me down
Come on, put me to the ground
Yeah, I want it now
Get on top of me
I can't stop thinking of
Pummeling you
For another full minute or two
When i get, when I get next to you

GERONIMO!

I can't stop thinking of
Pummeling you
For another full minute or two
When I get, when i get next to you
Come on, I want you to
Take me down
Come on, put me to the ground
Yeah, I want it now
Jump on top of me

GERONIMO!

Birthday

So my twenty-third birthday has come and gone. It was an excellent one. Harry Potter came out, as it seems, just for my birthday (haha), but really I've always had good luck with that. I remember on my 14th birthday the 4th HP book came out and Harry and I turned 14 at the same time. However, I didn't end up seeing Harry at midnight like I had originally planned. Instead I headed into the city and met up with Rachel and Rob. We had a drink at Rob's, and then ventured out into South Philly, where we went to dinner at a place called the Tap Room, which had an excellent beer selection (I had a phenomenal Pear Cider), and a delicious menu. We then headed to Lucky 13, and later to a little bar called Grumpy's Tavern, where we enlightened the wonderful crowd of fellow drinkers by singing a delightful rendition of "My Girl" on Karaoke.

It was a fantastic night (sans the 8 or so times I vomited - I lost count after a while), with fantastic friends (who were sweethearts and held my hair). Honestly, it was one of my favorite birthdays to date.

And then yesterday was Harry Potter with Danielle, Kayt, Momma Jess, and G-Unit (aka Grandma). And let me just say that it was well worth the wait, and definitely my favorite Harry Potter movie so far. It was funny, and scary, and just fantastic. Even though they didn't add my favorite scene (when Griffindor wins the Quidditch match and Harry runs up to Ginny and kisses her in front of the whole common room for the first time <3 <3 so cute) , and even though they added some random Christmas scene that was a little awkward, the movie was phenomenal and made me so happy. I can't wait to see it again.

To Whom It May Concern????

Straight from the PATD website:

To Whom It May Concern…

July 6th, 2009

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker will be leaving Panic at the Disco to embark on a musical excursion of their own. Though the four of us have made music together in the past, we’ve creatively evolved in different directions which has compromised what each of us want to personally achieve. Over the years, we have remained close and honest with each other, which helped us to realize that our goals were different and that parting ways is truly what is best for each of us. We are all excited for the future, you should be too.

-Ryan & Jon

Stay posted to the Panic site for updates on Ryan and Jon’s new project, as well as a message from Brendon and Spencer who will continue on as Panic At The Disco. All touring and album plans for Panic will continue as previously announced.

Well you know what? It concerns me and just about every other fan of Panic. I mean, who the hell is going to write the music if Ryan's not there? Panic at the Disco is pretty much defined by Ryan Ross, which sucks wayyyy too much. Arg. WTF Jon? I'm going to miss your flip floppity ways. Well, until you start a new band with Ryan.

This is heartbreaking news.

New version of D&O in first person

... well at least like 1/200th of it.

My eyes grew wide as the glass spun off of the counter, and it flipped through the air in slow motion. I shuddered as it crashed against the linoleum floor and some of the smaller shards embedded into my bare feet and ankles. And then everything was still for just a moment as I stood there, anticipating what was about to happen.

I could feel his gaze as he loomed in the entrance to the kitchen, watching me kneel over to pick up the glass with my bare hands. I was moving as quickly as I could and still trying not to cut myself. The last thing I wanted was a fight, and although I knew that it was practically unavoidable, I knew that the quicker I was to pick up the shards, the less likely he was to start something. After all, Nick had been known to get angry over less trivial things than this, and as he took his first step toward me my heart quickened, knowing what was about to happen.

His paces were quick, and before I could even process was what going to happen next, he was standing over me blocking out the light from the overhead, making his face a shadowy blur.

“Well?” he asked quietly, and my stomach flipped. It was always worse when his interrogations began calmly.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I guess I just bumped it with my elbow.”

“What happened is that you’re a dumb ass! Get up dumb ass!” He yanked me by the wrist so that now I was standing squarely in front of him.

“I’m sorry, Nick. I really didn’t mean to do it,” I pleaded.

“No,” his voice sounded calm and I let out an involuntary sigh of relief in response to it, “you never mean to do it, do you?” His hand stung as he smacked me across my face, and before I could put my arms up to defend myself, his had already shoved me to the ground. He grabbed a chunk of my hair and pushed my face against the glass-covered surface. The glass embedded into the skin of my cheek, but I had luckily closed my eyes before the shards could get in them. A single tear escaped, burning a path from my eye to my ear, before dripping onto the floor. “Clean up your mess, bitch,” he let go of my hair, stood up, and began to walk away.

I lay still on the floor for a moment, feeling my mind beginning to shut down, the way it always did after his attacks. I could barely feel the stinging glass anymore, and I opened my eyes, waiting for him to leave the dimly lit kitchen. But before he got to the doorway, his footsteps halted and I watched his dirty old black Converse turn around and start towards me again. I braced myself as his foot connected with my back hard enough to knock the wind out of my lungs.

This time, when he turned to walk out of the room, he actually did, and I lay waiting as the seconds passed, for my lungs to fill again with air.

Care Bears in Wonderland

When I was a little kid, there was one movie that I watched over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over: Care Bears in Wonderland. Danielle just turned it on after finding our taped-off-tv version that's probably from 1991. lol. it's horrible quality, but it's on YouTube.

Ice Cream

I made strawberry ice cream today with my ice cream maker. It was delicious.

Recipe:
(makes 6 servings -- the size of the average ice cream maker)

1 1/2 cups whole milk
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup sugar
1/8 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups mashed or pureed fresh strawberries
2 drops red food coloring

1. mix all ingredients in a big bowl then place in the freezer for a few hours.
2. take out and mix the mixture in your ice cream maker.
3. Enjoy!

Personally, I decided to put my strawberries in the food processor and make a nice puree of them, because i'm not fond of big chunks of frozen strawberries. But you could also cut them up and mash them with a fork. Because I pureed the strawberries, I didn't need the food coloring, but you probably will if you mash the berries.

Strawberry Ice Cream about to go in the freezer:


Strawberry Ice Cream when it's finished:



Also, the Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream recipe from a few weeks ago:
(also makes 6 servings)

1 1/2 c. whole milk
1 1/2 c. heavy cream
3/4 c. sugar
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 tsp mint or peppermint extract
2-3 drops of green food coloring.
3/4 c. chocolate chips

Same instructions as above

With this one, I put the chocolate chips in the food processor before mixing them in, because i like chocolate shavings in my mint choco chip ice cream, and not whole or pieces of chips. But really, however you want to do it will work fine.

Also, if you want to make the recipes a little healthier, substitute the whole milk for 2%. It will taste basically the same, except the tiniest bit less creamy.



In other news, I changed the name of my blog to This Critical Conscience, which is a lyric from the Jack's Mannequin song "American Love". I was listening to it the other day and thought about how it would make a great screen name, but i decided to just name my blog that instead.

I found a fatal flaw in the logic of love...

My favorite singer covering one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.

Gone For Good from William Beckett Jr. on Vimeo.

Singer: William Beckett
Song originally by The Shins

Brilliant Disguise

The following is a short story I wrote a few months ago. It's based on a song. If you figure out which song I'll give you a cookie. Also I know nothing about photography, but had to include it as it's in the song (hint hint), so if that part is way off, I'm sorry.

Brilliant Disguise
by Aurora J Crew

“Will I see you on Monday?” he asked, biting down on his lip. His eyes betrayed him, gleaming with hope, and they both knew at that moment that things were going to be different. Now there were feelings attached.

Vanessa Westman didn’t have the patience for trivial things like feelings. “I don’t know,” she let a sigh escape her lips, “It doesn’t really depend on me. You know that.”

“Will you call at least?”

“I’ll call and let you know if I can make it or not,” she pulled her shirt on and started buttoning from the bottom up.

“I meant if you can’t come. Can you call and talk for a while?” A little bit of whininess teetered on the edge of his voice, and Vanessa immediately became frustrated.

“I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday and see then,” she answered him curtly. She checked her hair in the mirror before heading for the bedroom door. He started to get off the bed, but she held up her hand for him to stop, “I can let myself out.”

Hurt filled his eyes, “I know. Can I have a kiss before you leave at least?”

She hesitated at first and then leaned over and gave him a sultry kiss, “You know that things between us are purely physical, right Paul?” she asked, trying to pull away from him.

“Purely physical. I know,” he repeated, still holding her tightly against him.

“Good,” she pushed away roughly, “I’ll call you when I can,” her last words rung out and she was already down the hallway and almost to the front door of the small apartment.

The cold air had a soothing effect on her mood, and Vanessa immediately lightened up. She was still annoyed with Paul for getting attached, but a small part of her liked it. She liked that there was someone who actually seemed to give a shit about her. And really it wasn’t a surprise. She knew that he had always had a little crush on her, from the moment he had ruined her film in the darkroom that she had rented at the Community Recreation Center. Vanessa laughed to herself thinking about how he had annoyed her even from the very beginning.

*****

She had been so excited to develop this film. The pictures were from her day off that she had spent in the park, and nature pictures were her favorite to take. She loved capturing the brilliance of a sunset, and the random twists and turns of bark on the willowy old trees. She had decided on this one day to forgo the loneliness and familiarity of her in-home darkroom, and chose instead the less convenient option of renting out one of the darkrooms in the CRC. To her, this was an adventure of sorts, something that she had never done. And it had all gone smoothly until the door opened and a gangly young man stood there, not blocking enough of the offensive bright white light that seeped from the connected room.

“Hurry up,” she had yelled at him, “Get in or out, and do it quickly.” The man had jumped into the room, startled at the severity in her tone, and the door slammed loudly behind him. Vanessa rolled her eyes. When she had said, ‘get in or out’ she had meant, ‘get out’. Now she would actually have to talk to this amateur idiot while she tried to save her photographs from the offense. “Didn’t you see the red light that indicates that the room is in use?” she asked as politely as she could.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that,” he shuffled his feet embarrassed, “I guess I just wasn’t paying attention.”

“Well that would be a good thing to pay attention to next time,” Annoyance now ringing through her words.

“Yeah, uh, sorry. I can leave if you want?”

“Don’t you dare open that door again,” she warned, “You’d better make yourself comfortable. I’m going to be in here for a while.”

“Well in that case,” he said, settling into a folding chair in the corner, “I’m Paul.”

“Vanessa,” she said, turning back to her work.

“Vanessa, I’m really sorry. Did I ruin your pictures?”

“Only a few.”

“Can I make it up to you?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t know how he would make it up to her. She could never get those same pictures back. That was the thing about nature; it always was changing.

“Let me take you out to dinner.”

“I don’t even know you, and besides, I have a boyfriend.”

“Well we’ll go as friends,” he said, undeterred.

“But we’re not friends,” she pointed out, looking at him over her black framed glasses.

“Oh, but we can be,” a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“But we’re not now, so why would I go out with you?”

“Because that’s how friends are made, V. You aren’t magically born with all your friends; you have to make them somehow.”

“V?” she asked, raising her eyebrows high.

“Yep, because friends call each other nicknames.”

Vanessa threw her head back in laughter. “You are not going to give up, are you?”

“Nope, you’re stuck with me now.”

She scrunched up her nose and smiled a skeptical half-smile. “Fine. Wednesday night, seven o’clock, La Quebrada. And it’s a BYOB, so don’t forget to bring a bottle of champagne, friend.”

*****

Vanessa laughed again, struck with the memory of Paul showing up to La Quebrada with three bottles of champagne that Wednesday night, not sure which kind she would like. Something about her, ‘probably my unabashed bitchiness,’ she thought to herself, had made him quite nervous, and she was still teasing him about the cork that popped out of his shaking hands and smacked into the head of their waiter as he was coming to take their order.

An intense shiver ran down her spine as a gust of frigid Chicago air blew around her. She pulled the collar on her dark gray pea coat up and buttoned it at the uppermost button near her shoulder, and quickened her pace. It was only a few blocks to her house, but in winter, those few blocks seemed like miles.

Finally spotting her apartment building, Vanessa broke into a slow run, not stopping until she was inside the high-end stuffy lobby with its tacky fake flower arrangements and the hotel reception area look-a-like furnishings. Stopping to check her mail would subject her to talking to Mrs. Andrea (“It’s Ahn-dre-ah, with a long-A, dear”) Klinger, the older woman who lived down the hall, with the yappy puppies and a knack for gossip. Instead, she decided to walk straight to the elevators, keeping her head forward and her eyes down, trying to avoid contact. The elevator was already there and opened right away and Vanessa pressed the number 4 repeatedly, nervously, willing the door to close more quickly. Just as the heavy mirrored doors were about to meet in the middle, a wrinkled hand stuck itself in between them, forcing them open again, and Mrs. Andrea Klinger stepped into the elevator.

“Good afternoon, Vanessa,” Mrs. Klinger looked her up and down, obviously searching for something noteworthy that she could turn into gossip.

“Hi Mrs. Klinger,” Vanessa mumbled, pushing a strand of shiny black hair behind her ear.

“How’s Cole doing, dear?” The old woman asked the same loaded question that she always asked. What she was really asking was, ‘are you and Cole having any problems, and if so, what are they?’

“He’s great. Thanks for asking.” Vanessa always answered with the same thing, and a polite smile to finish it off and make it believable. Not that it wasn’t the truth, but even the slightest thing like, ‘Cole’s putting in some extra hours at the office’ or ‘Cole’s very busy with work lately’, could put the woman into a frenzy. Automatically to her old ears, these statements would translate to ‘Cole is working a lot because we’re running out of money’, ‘Cole isn’t home much because he has a mistress’, or ‘Cole spends extra time at the office to avoid being home with me’. Only the last statement was true, but truth wasn’t something that Mrs. Andrea Klinger cared much for. Who wanted truth when gossip was so much more interesting?

The bell rang indicating their arrival at the fourth floor and Vanessa stepped out quickly, her key already poised for quick door opening. “See you later, Mrs. Klinger,” she gave the woman one last glance before heading inside.

For most people, their home is where they feel most comfortable. For Vanessa Westman, home was like an alien planet. As she set down her purse on the antique table by the door, and hung up her coat on the designer coat rack, she rolled her eyes. All this stuff: from the white Italian leather sofas she was afraid to sit on, the designer kitchen counters that she wasn’t allowed to use to make “real food” in case she stained them or cut into one with a knife (as if she didn’t know how to use a knife), down to the china that they ate on every night. None of this stuff was her stuff. None of it was even stuff she liked. When Cole’s mother and her personal interior designer decorated the apartment using Cole’s father’s lofty budget, no expense had been spared. This was how the apartment of a successful lawyer was supposed to look, and Cole was a successful lawyer. Vanessa and her “silly artsy fartsy stuff” had been confined to the smallest of the three bedrooms. That one 12x12 room housed everything important to her, including her darkroom, which she had personally designed out of the closet. Her entire life was a façade.

After poking her head in the freezer to see if there was any frozen food that didn’t involve “real cooking”, and coming away empty handed, she changed course and decided on a hot shower. She grimaced as the stark white-on-white tiles seemed to scream at her as they glowed and gleamed in the earth-friendly fluorescent vanity lights. Cole’s mother didn’t care about the environment. She only cared that caring about the environment was currently stylish, and so she pretended to care, just the way that someone pretends to care when a stranger starts talking about their children’s achievements, or when a neighbor tells a story about how amazing their pet is. Cole’s mother pretended to care about pretty much everything in her life. Vanessa was convinced that she had to even pretend to herself that she really cared, just to make her life seem less miserable.

The shower head sputtered to life and after a moment of warming up, the water was steaming. As she stepped into it, Vanessa’s mind wandered again.

*****

It had only been 13 hours since they had left the little Mexican restaurant, and already Paul’s name was blinking on her phone’s screen. “Aren’t men supposed to wait a good week or so before calling?” she joked, not bothering with a typical greeting. Vanessa could already tell this wasn’t a typical friendship that she was forming.

“No V,” he sighed dramatically, “Obviously that’s only the case when we go out with women that we actually like.”

Vanessa laughed, pleased that he was starting to feel more comfortable using her brand of sarcastic humor, “Oh Paul, how you’ve hurt me so.”

He chuckled, “Not my intention at all, I assure you.”

“So why did you call if not to break my fragile little heart, yet not because you - and I quote, ‘actually like’ me?”

More laughter from his side, “It’s Thursday,” he stated as if that explained it all.

“I need more information then that. I already knew it was Thursday, but what about Thursday has you calling me?”

“I’m lonely and –”

“How sad for you,” she interrupted with a smile, knowing where this was going.

“Yeah… well, you should come over and play with me.”

Silence emanated from Vanessa’s side of the phone. What exactly did that mean? Play was such an interesting word. Used so innocently in childhood and so naughtily during adulthood that one could never know, unless it was specified, which meaning was intended.

“Uhh…” Paul had apparently noticed his blunder, “er… I mean play, play games. Will you come over and play games with me? Not play like, play that way… ugh. Games.”

Vanessa giggled this time at his awkwardness, “That all depends on what kinds of games you have.”

“All kinds. What kind of game do you want to play?”

“You’re the one who invited me over, Paul. What games do you have?”

“Video games, board games…” he stopped, trying to think of what other kinds of games there were.

“What board games do you have? Do you have Clue?”

“Yeah, but you can’t play that with two people.”

“I’m only coming over if we can play Clue,” Vanessa smirked. She was bluffing. She was so bored that she would’ve gone over his house if he said that his only game was Risk (which she despised), but there was no way in hell that she would ever let him in on that.

“Fine,” she could hear his smile on the other side of the line.

“Good. I’ll come over now. Text me your address,” she smiled as she hung up the phone without a formal goodbye.

They had spent the entire afternoon playing games, and when she received the traditional “I’m probably sleeping at the office tonight because I have so much work to do” Thursday night call from Cole, Paul invited her to stay for a glamorous dinner of pizza and beer, picnic style in the middle of the living room floor. The informality of it all was so appealing, that there was no way that she would have turned down the offer, even if she’d gotten another call from Cole stating that he would not, in fact, be staying at the office over night and would be home for dinner for a change.

Beer had turned to wine after dinner, and games had turned to lounging on the couch and having one of the most in-depth conversations of Vanessa’s life. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep, and certainly did not recall when Paul had draped a blanket over her in the middle of the night. That had been the first Thursday that she’d stayed at his place. The first of many.

*****

Rinsing the last of the conditioner out of her hair, Vanessa leaned over and turned the water off. As she stepped out of the shower she could hear the phone ringing, but not really wanting to run for it, she let it ring. After the third ring, the answering machine clicked on, “This is Vanessa and Cole,” her own voice rang out through the apartment, “We’re not available right now, but leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.”

“Vanessa,” Cole cleared his throat after saying her name, and the habit clued her in to what he was about to say, “Um, listen, I’m working real hard on the Smith’s case. I’m going to be here late tonight. I don’t know what time I’m coming home, if I’m coming home, so go ahead and have dinner without me. Sorry, sweetheart.”

He didn’t sound sorry, and Vanessa knew that he probably really wasn’t. Being the youngest lawyer at such an established firm meant that Cole usually got all of the worst cases, but he loved his job so much that he would put all of his energy and devotion into those dull, boring cases. She pictured him huddling over his desk until the wee hours of the morning, and then passing out on the couch in his office with some boring law book on his chest, and a dozen folders scattered on the floor around him.

If he was anyone else, she probably wouldn’t have believed that he was actually working all these late nights. She would picture him instead, taking a leggy blonde to dinner, or meeting a beautiful brunette woman at a club. But Cole was Cole. He was sweet and loyal and dull, and had absolutely no sex drive. He was her exact opposite. From time to time guilt would flood through Vanessa, but then he would call and cancel their dinner plans, or stay over night at the office, or scold her for drinking coffee on the living room couch, or make a crack about her art, and the guilt would fly straight out the window.

She knew it would probably be easier just to leave him. It wasn’t like they were married or had children, or anything really tying her to him anymore, but habit and nostalgia for the old days when they actually loved each other and had a good relationship, would kick in when the thoughts of leaving began to enter her head, and then she would decide to stay.

Vanessa padded barefoot to her room and opened the top dresser drawer looking for something comfortable to wear. She decided on a pair of old sweatpants, and a long sleeved tee, and something about the way she tugged the shirt over her head made her think again of Paul.

*****

Weeks had passed and she and Paul had grown pretty much inseparable. Fridays and weekends were reserved for Cole of course, but during the week days, Vanessa was always making plans with her new best friend.

One particular Thursday night, the friends were at a nearby dive bar seeing some of the local musical talent. As the night wore on, and drinks were refilled time and time again, Vanessa’s mind became less and less clear.

“V, I think you’ve had enough. I’m flagging you,” Paul laughed, watching her trying to suck the alcohol out of a piece of ice that had been in the bottom of her drink.

“Silly,” she grabbed his shoulder, “you can’t flarg me. Only the bartender can do that.”

“Flarg?” he shook hard, and his face became brilliant red with laughter. Vanessa joined him, realizing what she had said.

“Maybe we should go,” she giggled, and the proceeded to fall off of her barstool, causing another wave of laughter.

“Sounds good,” Paul put his arm around her, supporting most of her weight as they walked out of the bar.

They stumbled out onto the street and into the warm, early autumn air. “Look at the stars,” Vanessa pulled Paul’s arm with one hand and with the other, pointed at the sky. On the clear night, they could see everything.
“They’re beautiful,” he murmured, but kept walking. Vanessa kept her head turned to the sky, “V, I need you to look where you’re going, sweetie. I can’t guide you completely.”

“But I want to look at the stars!” she whined, and pulled herself away from his body, plopping down randomly on the sidewalk and laying back so that she could continue to look up without straining her neck.

Paul stood, looking amusedly at her, and held out his hand, “C’mon Vanessa, let’s go.”

“No Paul,” she took his hand, but tugged on it, trying to pull him down, “Stop and smell the roses once in a while.”

He gave into her demands and lay down next to her on the sidewalk. She smiled and moved her head so that it rested on his chest. Paul smiled at her closeness as he wrapped one arm around her and folded the other arm behind his head.

“I could fall asleep like this,” Vanessa tilted her head up to look at his face, and smiled.

Paul smiled too, “Let’s not make you too comfortable then. We don’t want you falling asleep in the middle of the sidewalk.”

“Will you take me to your house?” she whispered, “It’s closer and I don’t want to be home by myself. It’s too lonely.”

“Of course,” Paul moved to get up but hesitated, he hated to break the intimate moment that they were sharing.

“Yay!” Vanessa, suddenly full of energy, jumped up in a rush and started running drunkenly down the street towards Paul’s place. He smiled after her for a second before joining her.

“Can I borrow some shorts and a t-shirt?” Vanessa asked as Paul flicked on the living room light.

“Yeah, come on,” he led her through the apartment to his room and she sat on the bed as he rooted through his drawers looking for something that would fit her. “Here,” he handed her a pair of basketball shorts and a Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt.

“Thanks,” she took them, and to Paul’s surprise, started taking off her clothes right in front of him. Flustered, he turned back toward the dresser and started aimlessly sorting through it again. When he turned back around, she was sprawled on her back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, “That crack in your ceiling looks like Jesus,” she giggled, “You have a holy ceiling.”

Paul raised his eyebrows and looked up at the crack across his ceiling. It was pretty much a straight line, “And you are very drunk.”

“So what if I am?” Vanessa rolled onto her side and stared at him, “You’re drunk too.”

“Not nearly as drunk as you,” he noted that she looked really comfortable on his bed, and not wanting to be rude said, “You can sleep on my bed tonight if you want. I’ll take the couch in the other room.”

“Don’t be silly,” she sat up and reached her arms out for him, pulling him toward her so quickly that he stumbled, “if I wanted to sleep alone I could’ve gone to my house. I told you I didn’t want to be lonely.”

“Uh…okay?” Paul stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. He knew that Vanessa and Cole’s relationship was messed up, that they weren’t getting along, and they weren’t seeing much of each other, but he didn’t want to be the reason it was ending.

Vanessa stood and pressed her slim body against his, slinking her arms around his torso. She was pressed so tightly to him that he could feel her heart hammering faster and faster in anticipation, and his mind changed instantly. He didn’t care about Cole and Vanessa’s relationship issues. How could he care about the feelings of a man who had everything, and yet wasted it?

The next morning, before she opened her eyes against the offensive sunlight, Vanessa smiled at the warmth that she felt wrapped in Paul’s arms. When she did open her eyes, she turned around and smiled at him, but her smile was met with a face full of confusion and anxiety. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly.

“You’re not mad?” his expression was one of a man bracing himself against an attack.

“Why would I be mad?” Vanessa asked, confused.

“Because we had sex, and you were drunk. Aren’t you pissed at me?” He grimaced.

She sighed, “No, I had fun. Besides, it’s not like you forced me to have sex with you. I’m the one who initiated it.”

“But you were drunk,” he protested.

“That doesn’t mean that I regret it, Paul. Didn’t you have fun?”
“Well, yeah,” he nodded sheepishly, still not letting his guard down fully, “Of course I had fun.”

“Good,” she smiled and climbed out of the bed, looking around her for her clothes, “I have to go now, but we should do it again sometime.”

Paul sat up, “But what about Cole? Are you going to end it with him?”

Vanessa looked confused, “Why would I do that?” Her voice was as innocent as a child’s.

“Because he’s your boyfriend! You live together!” Paul got out of bed and pulled on a pair of shorts, “And you just slept with me, and then said that we should do it again some time.”

“Oh Paul,” she walked over to where he stood and cupped his face in her hands, “Cole has a love affair with his job. It’s not fair to me. He spends all his time there, and even when he’s home, he’s thinking about it. So what if I want to have a little fun?”

“But…”

She cut him off, “If you don’t want to sleep with me again, that’s fine. I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do… but I just want to have fun.”

She finished putting on her clothes while he just stood there in silence. She knew that she had given him a lot to think about, and she could almost see his brain working, weighing the pros and cons. “Call me if you decide anything,” she kissed him on the cheek before letting herself out of the apartment.

By the time she walked the few blocks home, there was a voicemail waiting for her on her machine. All it said was, “I’m in.”

*****

Her stomach grumbled, and Vanessa decided to check the fridge once again for food. The emptiness of it made her cringe. Everything inside it had to be prepared and she was in no mood for that tonight. She walked to a small drawer in the kitchen counter and slid it open, searching for some take out menus. The phone rang again, but this time Vanessa was able to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Vanessa, it’s Cole. Did you get my message from before?”

“Mmhm,” she affirmed and nodded to herself.

“Well, I was talking to some of the other guys here and they feel like if we pull an all-nighter tonight and again tomorrow night, the partners will really appreciate our work.”

“So what exactly are you telling me?” Vanessa snapped.

“Well if I’m going to stay here tonight and Friday too, we’re going to have to cancel our dinner reservations for Friday night,” he said it his dull voice, and almost in a way that made her feel as if he were talking down to her.

Finally, her irritation won out, “What?” she spoke through clenched teeth, “Fridays and Saturdays are the only times I get to see you.”

“This is too important Vanessa. Why can’t you just understand that this is what’s important to me right now. This is my life! I want to make a good impression on the partners.”

“Why does it even make a difference?” Vanessa cried out, “You can’t even become a partner until you’ve worked there for seven years! You have six more to go. I’m sure that this one case isn’t going to shorten that length of time.”

“You obviously don’t understand.”

“No. You’re exactly right, Cole. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can sacrifice our relationship constantly for your piece of shit job.”

He laughed one little cold-hearted, sarcastic chuckle, “At least I have a real job.”

Vanessa couldn’t even string together a coherent response to that, and so she slammed the phone onto its hook and hung up on him. Tears streamed down her face and she sobbed quietly into her hand as she slouched against the counter. She glanced at the open drawer of menus and then at the white sofa and the plush, white carpeting, and as anger flared through her, she picked up the phone again.

“Uh, hey V,” Paul’s mellow voice answered her call, “Thought I wasn’t going to be talking to you until Monday or something like that.”

“Indian or Chinese?” she asked him, not offering an explanation.

“I don’t know,” he replied, “I tend to agree more with a lot of Indian philosophies, but there are some things I don’t agree with. And the Chinese are the same way I guess, but a little less agreeable, at least when it comes to politics. Indians have some cool movies though, so they get a point for that, but oh wait, the Chinese have the Great Wall. That’s like 20 points, but…”

“I wasn’t asking you whose culture you enjoy more,” Vanessa interrupted, “I was asking whose food you enjoy more.”

Paul paused for a moment, “Are you inviting me to dinner?”

“Yeah,” Vanessa grinned through her tears, “Take-out at my place.”

“What?” She could practically hear his jaw drop, “We’re never allowed to go to your place. In fact, I’ve never been to your place at all.”

“I think it’s time to change that,” she smirked, “Get your ass over here.”

“Umm, okay,” he still seemed shocked, but was about to hang up when Vanessa stopped him.

“Paul, wait!”

“What is it?” his heart quickened as he thought about how she had probably changed her mind already.

“Indian or Chinese?”

“Oh,” he let out a relieved sigh, “Chinese.”

“Good,” she smiled wide, “See you soon.”

By the time Paul showed up at her house twenty minutes later, Vanessa had changed her clothes again to something a little nicer, washed the tears off of her face, and even applied a little makeup. “I thought you were the delivery guy,” she said as she opened the door to reveal Paul, handsome as ever, leaning against the door frame.

“Disappointed?” he teased, and she stuck her tongue out at him while moving aside to let him in. “Whoa,” his breath caught as he took in his surroundings, “Sweet digs.”

Vanessa laughed, “Not really, but if by ‘sweet digs’ you really mean, ‘over-priced shit that I don’t like or need’ then yes, I guess so.” Paul rolled his eyes at her, but didn’t say anything. “I’ll show you my room,” she started to lead him down the hall.

“But what about the food? Shouldn’t we wait until after dinner?” Paul asked.

“Not my bedroom,” she opened the door to her art room and stood back to let him walk in first, “my real ‘sweet digs’.”

Vanessa could watch Paul’s jaw drop this time as he looked around at the easels and the drafting tables piled with artwork. Huge photographs and painting hung in black frame around the room, and Pauls couldn’t believe his eyes. He had only ever seen a few pieces of Vanessa’s artwork and he’d had no idea about how truly talented she really was. “This is fantastic,” he said, obviously in awe of her talent, “I can’t believe this. It’s amazing.” He turned and kissed her passionately, and for once, instead of breaking away and lecturing him about how their relationship was only existent in the bedroom and strictly platonic outside of it, Vanessa caved in and let herself relax against him and enjoy it.

The doorbell rang again, interrupting them before things could get more heated, and this time when Vanessa answered it, it really was the delivery man with four bags of Chinese food. “Holy shit!” Paul exclaimed as he grabbed two of the bags and carried them to the counter, “How much food did you get?”

“I got a little of everything. I couldn’t decide on what I wanted, and I wasn’t sure what you would want, so I figured I’d give us lots of choices,” she reached into one of the cupboards to grab two plates, and handed one to Paul. It was white china with platinum colored design etched around the lip of the plate. Paul looked at her like she was crazy.

“Are you kidding?” he raised his eyebrows, “I’m not eating off of that. It’s your fine china! What if I break it?”

Vanessa snorted, “Break it all you want, I don’t care,” and as if to emphasize her point, loosened her grip on her own plate, and let it slide to the ground. Porcelain shattered around her feet, and without blinking an eye, she turned back to the cupboard, grabbed another plate and started spooning General Tso’s Chicken onto it.

Paul stared at her wide eyed, “Okay then,” he started dishing up his own food and then headed into the dining room.

“Where are you going?” Vanessa asked him. She walked into the living room and plopped down on the impeccable white couch.

He stood, mid-stride, staring at her like she was crazy again, “Uh, V? Um… white sofa?” he muttered more to himself then to her. She looked at him expectantly, obviously not hearing what he had said, and then motioned impatiently at the couch. Paul opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again, not wanting to start anything. After a moment, his thoughts got the best of him, “V, is everything alright?”

Her forkful of shrimp and vegetables stopped halfway to her mouth and she looked at him with puppy eyes, “Of course everything’s alright. What do you mean?”

Paul knew she was lying, but didn’t want to pry if she didn’t want to tell him. Instead he shrugged and sat on the other end of the couch.

“Do you want to stay over tonight?” Vanessa asked suddenly, causing Paul to choke on a few pieces of fried rice.

“What about Cole?” he managed to choke out after about a minute of coughing.

“He’s at the office for the next two days and nights,” she smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, “So you can stay over both nights if you want. Hell, you could probably move in and he wouldn’t even notice, I’m sure.”

“But tomorrow night is Friday night.”

“And he won’t be here. Work is too important to him. This case that he’s working on is way more important then silly old me.”

At last Paul knew exactly what Vanessa was angry about; why she had dropped the plate, was eating on the sofa, even the reason why she’d invited him over. “V, I don’t know how comfortable I am with this,” he admitted, “I understand that you’re upset and hurt because of what Cole’s doing, but I don’t think it’s the best idea for me to stay over here.”

“I’m not upset,” Vanessa’s body opposed her words as tears pricked behind her eyes. She couldn’t stand for him to not stay the night at this point. She would see it as another rejection, and then she would be right back to the same place that she was with Cole. Paul was supposed to counter Cole’s rejection; it was why she had invited him over in the first place, “It’s just that it’s too stuffy in here. I want to have some fun,” and with that, she laid her plate on the rug, next to the sofa and crawled across it to Paul. She knew he may be able to talk himself out of staying over, but if she physically engaged him, he would never be able to leave, “Stay and have some fun with me,” she whispered against his lips before kissing him deeply.

*****

The sun shone brightly through the sheer white curtains in the bedroom and Vanessa smiled as she breathed in deeply. She relished in the feeling of being tightly held by a man for once. Usually when she slept in the same bed as Cole, he would turn his back to her, claiming that he couldn’t sleep closely to another person. When she slept in the same bed as Paul, they would stay on their own sides of the bed, respectful of each other’s boundaries as well as the boundaries in their own relationship. This time was different though. Vanessa had let down her boundaries and finally allowed Paul to hold her through the night. And now, the morning after, wrapped in his arms, she couldn’t help but smile at a revelation she’d had sometime during the middle of the night. She, Vanessa Westman, was in love with Paul Waites.

This was new to her. Of course she’d loved men before, but never had she been in love. Never had she gotten butterflies when thinking about a man the way that she did now as she thought about Paul. Never had she felt nervous about what she was going to say to him when he woke up. And boy did she feel nervous. Thinking about it made her heart speed and her face flush. She wondered if he loved her too, and what she should do about it, how to find out, and if she should tell him. A sudden noise interrupted her thoughts, and panic shot from her heart, to her brain, then right back down to her stomach as her head cleared and she realized what exactly was going on.

“What the…” she heard a man’s voice question in the living room, and she remembered the plates of food, abandoned on the floor next to the couch, the broken plate in the kitchen, and bags of Chinese food that they’d forgotten and left on the counter all night. “Vanessa?” the man called her name, and she slipped silently from the bed and pulled her robe on.

“Hi Hon,” she tiptoed out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her, and found herself face to face with Cole.

“What happened in here?” he asked, “What did you do? Why is there a broken plate?”
“Because I broke it,” she answered back matter-of-factly.

“And why are there all these bags of food in the kitchen? And didn’t I tell you to never eat in the living room? You know how much my parents paid for the redecorating. The least you could do is show a little respect, Vanessa.”

“Respect?” she questioned, “Why bother? I’m a person and you don’t respect me, yet I’m supposed to respect the material goods your parents bought us?”

He ignored her, spotting the extra plate, “Who was here?”

“A friend of mine. He’s still here.” There was no point in lying or even trying to mask the truth, because she knew it was only a matter of time before Cole would walk into the bedroom and see Paul anyway.

“Where is he?” Cole looked around, obviously expecting to see someone who he’d missed sleeping on the couch or the floor.

“He’s in the bedroom, asleep. I was in there with him until a minute ago.”

Cole didn’t say anything at first. He just stood quietly and stared at her, taking in her robe and messy hair. “So you’re having an affair.” It wasn’t a question, more of a solemn statement.

Vanessa sighed thinking that she might as well be truthful, “Yes, if you can call it that. If you consider what we have an actual relationship.”

Cole grimaced, “What do you mean by that? Of course we’re in a relationship.”

“Cole,” Vanessa grabbed for his hand and looked into his eyes, “We live together, but that’s about the extent of the things we do together. I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate with each other. And now you’ve taken to cancelling our dates, which are the only times I get to spend real quality time with you. I’m tired of being second to your job. I need to be your first priority, even if it’s only sometimes.”

The bedroom door opened and Paul walked out of it, donning his pants from the night before, “V – what’s…” he stopped dead as he saw Cole standing squarely in front of Vanessa. They were obviously arguing and he had a feeling that his sudden appearance wasn’t going to make anything easier. “I’m sorry,” he said to Cole, “But it’s not what it looks like.”

“He already knows,” Vanessa said to Paul, and when she looked at him, he could tell that it was somehow different, that things had changed.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said quietly to Cole, “Let me just get my stuff and get out of here.” He started to head toward the bedroom when Vanessa spoke up.

“Wait, Paul. I want to come with you.”

“Into the bedroom?” he whispered, confused and looking at her like she was crazy.

“No,” she shook her head, “I want to come with you, as in home with you. Is that okay?”

“Are you sure?” he looked back and forth between Vanessa and Cole, “V, are you sure that’s what you want?”

She nodded and then turned to Cole, “I’m going to go home with Paul. For good.”

Cole didn’t say anything. He stood silently with his hands still in his coat pockets. No emotion showed on his face at all, and Vanessa had no idea what he was feeling. For all she knew, he could be ecstatic to finally be rid of her, or horribly heartbroken over the whole ordeal. She had no idea, and she didn’t know if she would ever know, because she knew that with Cole’s inability to show feelings, he certainly wasn’t about to tell her right now. And she had no idea when, or if, she would see him again after this.

“Vanessa,” Paul grabbed her arm once they walked back into the bedroom, and it surprised her to hear her full name on his lips, “I don’t want you to make a mistake here…”

She interrupted him, “Make a mistake? Do you not want me to come with you, because if that’s the way you feel…” she didn’t finish her sentence and just let her thoughts drift.

He grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing her fingers softly, “Of course I want you to come with me. It’s all I’ve wanted for a very long time, but I’m worried about you. This all seems so sudden. Yesterday afternoon you were telling me that you didn’t think you would call me anytime soon, and now you’re leaving your live in boyfriend to come home with me. What happened?”

Vanessa’s heart fluttered and she felt queasy, “I realized that I love you,” her breath caught in her chest, and the seconds that it took Paul to react seemed like hours.

“I love you too,” he leaned down, cupping her face lightly, and kissed her. It was a take-your-breath-away, loosing-track-of-time type of kiss, and he had to be the one to break it, “I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate for us to do that right now with Cole in the other room.”

Vanessa nodded her agreement and pulled out a suitcase from the closet, throwing everything that was hers that she could get her hands on, into it. There wasn’t very much stuff to grab actually. None of the furniture belonged to her except for the stuff in the studio, so basically it was all clothes and accessories. Nothing was folded, nothing was even ‘placed’. Instead it was a heaping pile of clothes thrown into a suitcase in a flurry of anxiety and hope that made up her feelings for Paul, and anger and hurt that summed up her feelings toward Cole.

“Ready?” Paul zipped her stuffed suitcase and picked it up off the bed, giving her a little smile. He was trying to hold back on the happiness. This was, after all, a victorious moment for him, and one that he had waited for for quite some time, but he felt like the situation at hand was too solemn to feel that way. Conflicted, his emotions fluttered on the edge of excitement and anxiety.

“Walk of shame,” Vanessa squeezed his hand and gave him as reassuring a smile as she could muster at her pathetic joke.
Paul took a deep breath as he opened the bedroom door and stepped into the little hallway, but Cole wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen, or the dining room. “He’s gone,” Vanessa whispered, looking around her.

“I don’t really blame him. I wouldn’t want to stick around if the situation were reversed.”

Vanessa nodded and turned around, taking one last look at the apartment. She didn’t know what she would do with her artwork and supplies. Perhaps she would have Cole send them to her, or she would have friends pick them up, or she would stop by when he wasn’t around. But other then that she found it surprisingly easy to let go of the world that she didn’t belong in. She placed her key on the table by the door and locked it behind her, locking in the Vanessa that she wasn’t anymore, and stepping out into a world that she had yet to discover, where she would get to be herself with a man that she loved. She would be his girl on Fridays, and every day.

We are so Lost

Last night was the season finale of Lost. I want to express some of my theories, but I'm not really going to recap the episode, but regardless, if you haven't watched the episode yet, you may not want to read this until later.


*****


This is my theory for the premiere next season: White nuclear explosion flash. Boom! They're all flashed forward into whatever the hell year it is in Lock's time (most likely 2007, since that is 3 years after 2004). Sayid is going to be healed by the magical power that is the island. He's not going to die, because Lost tends to make a huge deal out of when any of the main character's die (except Juliet of course). BTW, what was that weird flashback to Juliet's past when her parents were getting divorced. There was no point to that at all, as Jacob never showed up in her flashback. Also, about Jacob showing up to people... Anyone notice that he made a point of touching each of the people that he visited? And if Jacob only appears to people who are leaders on the island, does that mean that Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and Sayid are all leaders on the island?

Richard is definitely from the Black Rock, because I feel like that's the reason why Jacob brought the ship to the island.

Still unsolved is the mystery of how the Black Rock got miles into the jungle; how the 4-toe statue got knocked over (although I'm betting that it was from the atomic blast of 1977 or whatever the hell time they are in); where the hell the Egyptians who built the statue are; why Jacob and his little frienamy both speak perfect English and look Irish, even though they look like they've been on that island their whole lives... in the middle of the pacific ocean; and how Jacob's frienamy took Locke's body and memories?

My family was all sitting there thinking the exact same thing that Miles said when he was like, "maybe the big accident is actually Jack throwing a nuclear bomb into the pit!" And then everyone looked at him, and continued to help Jack throw the bomb into the pit. It seemed a little funny.

Back to Jacob. Anyone else think that that whole thing was a little underwhelming? I was sure that Jacob was going to be Jack. All the signs were there. Jack could be a nickname for Jacob, and we never find out if Jack is short for something. All of Jack's family members seem to gather around Jacob (Claire and Christian). Jacob (aka the island) can heal people miraculously. Jack also has the power to heal people miraculously (his exwife). Plus, Matthew Fox is the only actor who knows the end of the series, so I was pretty sure that that was why. Oh well...

I'm sure that I'm not remembering everything I wanted to write when I watched it last night, so I may write about this again.

Summer Internship

I got my internship placement today.

I'm going to be working at Temple Episcopal Hospital in the Mental Health Ward. I'm happy because it's the population that I wanted to work with. However, I'm sad that I'm not with Melissa at PMHCC, because it sucks that she'll have to work there alone and I really wanted to work with her. A good thing about Episcopal is that I've already done volunteer work there, so I know a little bit about the facility.

Nic Scimeca makes my life seem so dull... both of him

Nic Scimeca and friends opened up a grilled cheese restaurant in the windy city. How brilliant is that? Just grilled cheese. And delicious grilled cheese from the sound of it.


Anyone else notice that no one in the picture has a grilled cheese in front of them? And even more odd: there are two Nic's in the picture. In the back of the room, his back is to the camera to the right of the guy in the red hat. Then, facing the camera a little to his own back's right and to the left of the woman with the black curly hair. And it's pretty obvious that there is no mirror in that spot.

http://www.the44thward.com/

I can't wait to go when I'm in Chicago.

In other news, I'm still waiting for the TR academic advisor to email me back. Apparently there's a Junior Internship meeting tomorrow morning at 9:00AM and everyone got an email about it besides me. Thank god Melissa texted me today, or I would've been completely left out of the entire thing.

Photography

If you enjoy photography, check out http://www.cbeckettphoto.com/ for Courtney Beckett's new portfolio. She does food and drink campaigns as well as photographs of people she knows, which are pretty neat. Click on the samples below to link straight in to her page, because she's awesome.





Also, I want to say that whoever took/photoshopped this picture of Brendon Urie (Panic at the Disco) is my favorite. There's something about this shot that I just love:

Media Review

In the past few weeks I've read a lot of books, seen a lot of movies, and listened to some great music, and every time I think to myself, I really should blog about that, but I just haven't had the time to actually get on here and blog anything lately, so here is review of everything that I've thought that about in the past few weeks:

BOOKS
Perfect Fifths by Megan McCafferty - This book is the last installment of the Jessica Darling series. It begins three years after the last book left off (after Jessica refused Marcus' proposal of marraige and they broke up), when Jessica and Marcus run into each other at the airport. Well, more like when Jessica runs over Marcus in the airport.

Perfect Fifths is the only book in the series to actually offer any insight into what the hell Marcus Flutie is thinking, as it's told partially from his perspective. The book also strays from the traditional journal entry style to a narrative style, with random bursts of other stylistic experiments. For instance, there is an entire chapter told in Haiku. Unfortunately, I felt like that chapter, style aside, brought nothing to the story. We already knew everything that was expressed in the poems, and I felt like McCafferty just included it in there because she thought, hey, cool. Haiku narrative. And ran with it.

The story, which took place over the course of one day, was sometimes painfully yawn-worthy. I mean, I didn't really need to know every second of the day from each of the character's perspectives. I even found myself wondering what it was about the series that I enjoyed so much in the past. Not to make it sound like it was all bad - it wasn't. I really enjoyed the ending of the story, and I liked hearing things from Marcus' side for the most part (even though it sometimes gave away a huge part of the mystique that made me love him in the first place).

If you've read the series, I would recommend finishing it, of course. But maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the fact that I graduated from high school five years ago, or maybe the fact that I've moved past my Marcus Flutie obsession, but if you haven't started this series and you're looking for a good read, I wouldn't recommend this series anymore. Sorry if I burst anyone's Flutie balloons.

See Jane Write: A Girl's Guide to Writing Chick Lit by Sarah Mlynowski and Farrin Jacobs - So sue me. I'm writing a chick lit book. Actually, I already wrote a story a while back and I'm editing it and changing it when needbe to make it more chick lit-y. Don't roll your eyes and pretend like I'm beneath you for writing chick lit, because we all know that you've read at least one chick lit before. And you know you wish you could write a book (unless your Char whose already written one! Yay Char!)

But yeah, if you're thinking about writing a chick lit or really any kind of book, this guide gives some great things to think about. And as an added bonus, Sarah Mlynowski is my favorite chick lit writer and she's hilarious, so this book is actually really entertaining and fun to read.

The J.A.P. Chronicles by Isabelle Rose - I'm reading this because it was in my sister's book shelf and I randomly picked it up the other night, and also because in the other book I'm reading (aforementioned) they say to read other chick lit books (although not strictly chick lit) to get more of a sense of what constitutes as a chick lit. Admittedly, I'm not really a huge expert on the genre. I've read my share of chick lits, but I usually only indulge sparingly. And even when I do read them, I stay away from the ones that involve excess shopping and label whoring. However, the J.A.P. Chronicles, while it has it's moments of mani-pedi's and spending thousands of dollars on clothes at Borgdorfs, actually has a pretty substancial storyline. Basically it's about a thirty-something girl named Ali who attends a reunion at her childhood camp and sees all the antagonists of her past who used to torture her for being ugly, fat, and unathletic. Now that she's an established film maker, she wants to get back at all the bitchy girls, by being an even bigger bitch and filming a memior about each of their lives since camp and their "defining moment".

Unfortunately, the author writes Ali as a punk/alternative style girl.... and she doesn't know anything about punk style, and instead relies on outdated stereotypes. That's a huge pet peeve of mine, when writers try to write their main character as something that they are not and don't know anything about. And it's sooooooo painstakingly obvious.

MOVIES

Vicky Cristina Barcelona - This movie was so much better then I thought it was going to be. It takes place in Barcelone, when two friends decide to spend the summer there before Cristina gets married, and Vicky moves on with her life. They meet a really hot Spaniard, share a steamy weekend with him, and both become attached and intrigued. What I enjoyed most about this movie was how it outlined the differences in relationships under different types of stress. How does a friendship hold up when both friends like the same guy? How does a relationship hold up when the guy's slept with your best friend? How does a relationship hold up when the guy's ex-wife comes and lives in the same house and you and your guy for a few months? How does a relationship with a fiance change once one of them has screwed around? Etc. It was weird, funny, sexy, and basically a psychologist's wet dream.

Burn After Reading - This was completely different then what I thought it was going to be. In fact, I can't even tell you what I thought this movie was going to be like when I sat down to start watching it. It's by the same guys who did The Big Lebowski, which is hilarious, but for some reason, I didn't realize that Burn After Reading was a comedy. Well, at least it was sort of a comedy. It starts off with John Malkovich's (sp???) character being fired from the CIA, and progresses into how he's going to write a memoir about his time there, resulting in two crazy personal trainers (Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand) stealing the skeleton of his novel and holding it for ransom. Some parts, usually the ones involving Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Frances McDormand, were hilarious, while others were somewhat sad and disturbing. I'm still undecided on this movie, and I'm not sure if I would watch it again.

Salem's Lot - I watched the Rob Lowe, made for TV version of Salem's Lot, that was made in the early 2000's. I read the Stephen King book years ago and really only remembered that it was about vampires invading a place called Jerusalem's Lot. Although the beginning was a little bit slow moving (as many made for TV movies tend to be), once it got moving the movie was freakin awesome. I mean, what's better then evil vampires taking over a town and gorgeous Rob Lowe coming to the rescue? James Cromwell (cute old man in Babe) and Donald Sutherland (father of Jack Bauer) co-star. But seriously, who cares about them when Rob Lowe is in the movie?

I'm going to update about music and stuff later. I don't have time to do it justice right now. But just know that it'll be about The Downtown Fiction and Razia's Shadow (by Forgive Durden).

Friday and Saturday in the Woods

Adventure Challenge Programming, camping trip
Day 1:
We arrived at Camp Edge in Alloway, New Jersey at around 2:00PM on Friday. We headed to the ropes course right away and learned how to hook up our harnesses and about safety and then we basically got to play on the High Ropes course all afternoon and evening. I did pretty much all the activities that were available to do on the high ropes course. I did the Burma Bridge: (this isn’t me, but the pictures of our trip haven’t been posted yet), and then this other thing. I don’t remember what it was called, but basically, you had to climb up there and there were little wooden platforms about 2 x 2 feet and they were strung up with the wires, and you had to walk across them and then back, except there was nothing to hold on to and they were swinging all over the place. Then I climbed up the net and walked across a single wire, just holding onto a rope. And lastly I did the zip, which is basically just that I was strapped onto a rope, let go of the wooden platform, and went zipping down the wire at about 40mph: (again, not me, but so you get the drift).

Then we went to our little cabin in the woods and ate dinner. Some people still had to run activities (we had to lead a group activity), so we did that until around 10:30 at night, and then 12 of us went out to build a campfire and make s’mores. We also told a really dumb ghoststory (by going around the circle and each person making up a line) about 12 TR students who were standing around a campfire when the seaweed witch from the lake came out and dragged them all away. About 2 hours later, we put out our fire and went back to the house and Melissa, Allie, Steffen and I took the telescope out of the house and into the field, because it was beautiful and the stars were amazing, but alas… the telescope was broken, so we had to stand there with our head tilted up to see the stars. Totally worth it though.

Day 2:
We woke up at 7AM (it was horrible), had breakfast, cleaned the cabin/house, and then headed out to do the Low Ropes Course. We had to basically spend all day doing this, because coming out of the course, we’re all trained to facilitate a Low Ropes Course group, meaning that I could go work at a place with a Low Ropes Course. We learned how to do each activity, how to do different variations, and safety precautions and stuff. It was a really fun time. I participated in a lot of stuff, and of course being one of the smallest people in the class, got lifted and carried a lot. For instance, I went through one of the upper holes of the rope web (the object is to get through the holes without touching the sides, but each hole can only be used by the group once). So I was lifted and went through head first and supported by the other group on the other side. It was amazing, because I had so much trust in my group, that I knew they would never drop me, and I felt completely safe. I also tore up my arms on the tire thing (you have to get through the tire to the other side, but it was over my head and I had to get lifted into it and climb out the other side (insert tire burn on my arms here). Bruised and burned, it was still totally worth it. It was such an amazing two days. I can’t wait to see the pictures that people took of the whole experience, even though I probably look like an idiot in half of them.

Below is a picture of the wall (that I didn't go over. I was going to but I chickened out) at Camp Edge. It was our last activity of the day:

Ranty Rant

I'm going to go on a little rant right now, and I'm warning you that if you don't know anything about William Beckett, the scene, or fangirls, it will probably be a waste of your time.

The past few days have just shown how fucked up so many fans in the scene are. Every time I get on Twitter, or read some of the comments on Bill's blog, there are these little girls complaining because he never writes back to them and they're pissed about it. Well you know what? He:
1. blogs for you,
2. has a Twitter account to keep YOU informed about his life so all your little stalker fantasies about him can play out in your silly little minds,
3. Started a poetry/writing club (Monday Eyes) so that YOU could post your work and he could read it an occasionally repost some of the great stuff on his blog,
4. Has meet and greets at every single show so that whoever wants to meet him can,
5. Has been known to stand outside of venues, outside of the bus until the last fan who wants to meet him leaves. Even when the weather is horrible, or it's 12 degrees or 3 in the morning, you will find him out there if a fan is out there,
6. Lets you know sometimes when he's going to be somewhere so that you, the fans, can hang out with him. For example, he's been known to post via Twitter, something along the lines of, "At Cuppa Joe coffee house, come hang out."

So don't be such vicious little bitches because he doesn't sit there at his computer for x number of hours each day, @ replying all your twitter comments and responding to your blog comments. Considering that the majority of musicians out there don't do any of the things listed above, or if they do, it's that they have a Twitter and that's it, don't fucking bitch about him. He's doing everything he can for you people while still leaving enough time for himself and his friends and family.

And shut the fuck up about this Demi Lovato thing. So what... Demi Lovato's celebrity crush is Bill (funny, since she's like 100x more famous then he is), and the lucky girl gets to write a song with him for her new CD. Don't bitch because you're jealous that she gets to write a song with him and you don't. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of Demi Lovato's music, but the fact that she listens to TAI and other music in the scene indicates that she has pretty decent taste in music, and on a personal level I would probably really like her if I were to ever meet her. Besides, it's pretty cute that William indulged Demi's inner fangirl by going out there to write with her. Don't be so catty TAI fans.

However, if I have to hear one more Demi Lovato fan say that they would make "such a cute couple" I'll probably vomit. She's 16. He's 24 and already has a woman. They wouldn't make a cute couple at all, because it would mean that he would be a child molester, which he most certainly is not.

Top 13

The top 13 things I wish people would think about before calling a receptionist (aka, me) – btw, this is about 90% of the phone calls I get:

1. If you’re calling to ask for a number, have a pen and paper ready when you call me. Don’t call me and then make me wait while you scramble around trying to find something.

2. If you’re calling at 8:00 in the morning and you’re really upset because your sister/brother/mother/father/aunt/uncle/friend/etc… doesn’t answer their phone, don’t call me asking me if they’re dead or something. They’re probably still sleeping.

3. No, I can not personally leave my desk to check on your family member.

4. If you call me and say, “Hi Aurora! How’s my mom doing?” I really appreciate that you know me and my name, but if you don’t say yours, then how do I know how your mom is? How do I know who your mom is?

5. If you call between 8 and 9:30 AM, the nurses and CNAs are actually really busy. They have to give everyone their morning meds, breakfast and get every resident up and get them ready to start their day. So if they don’t answer the phone, don’t start yelling about it. Wouldn’t you rather have your family member get their breakfast, meds and get dressed?

6. If you’re trying to find your long lost second cousin, or your neighbor from when you were a kid, and you heard that they’re in a nursing home, but all you know is that their first name is Mary, then sorry, I can’t help you. Do you know how many people are named Mary? If you don’t know a last name or anything else about the person, then I can’t look them up to see if they’re here.

7. If you call me and ask if your Aunt Edith so-and-so is here and I check my list and in our computer records and there is no sign of her, then she isn’t here and never was here. You were fed false information, so please don’t argue with me. Wishing that someone was in the facility doesn’t just make it happen.

8. Not a phone call thing, but if you show up for a tour of the facility because you want your grandmother or your father or whoever to come here, but you don’t have an appointment and no one is available, then you’re not getting a tour. This is my biggest pet peeve. I think it’s so rude when people walk in and demand that they get a tour of the facility without even calling to make sure that someone will be there to give them one first. What I hate even more is when people waltz in, and I say, “so-and-so can give you a tour, but you’ll have a wait a little while, because she’s giving a tour to another family right now (who actually made an appointment!!!)”, and then they get pissy that they have to wait.

9. No, the business office is not open at 5PM on Sunday. They keep normal business hours. Are you at work at 5PM on Sunday? No? Well then don’t complain that they aren’t.

10. If you call me, and then while you’re waiting for me to answer the phone, you start talking to someone else and don’t stop even after I answer the phone, I’m probably going to hang up on you. I usually will say “hello” twice, but if you’re too interesting in what your friend is saying to listen to me, then I’m not going to stick around. I’m busy, and most likely one of my other lines is ringing, so try calling back when you’re not distracted.

11. If you call and say, “Is my mom there?” and I ask who your mom is and you say, “Amy,” and I ask you for a last name, and you say you don’t know (this happens more then you would ever think. People apparently have no idea what their parents names are.), and then I ask you what department she works in and you say you don’t know, then I can’t help you. If you don’t know your own mom and dad’s last name and what their job is, then how am I supposed to know it?

12. If I answer the phone by saying “Good morning/afternoon/evening. This is Saunders House. How can I help you?” (which is what I always say, btw), and you say, “Dietary.” Not even, “Can you transfer me to dietary?” or “Can I speak to the Dietary department?” Then I judge you, because you’re rude and an idiot. Just sayin’. At least say please.

13. If you call and say something along the lines of, "yo, you hiring?" We're not. Even when we are. If you can't inquire about a job in a polite way (or in proper English), then we don't want you working here. We only want nice people.

Warning: This Entry Has No Point

I'm procrastinating right now, just so you know. I just got done a test, and now I have to work on my 20 minute presentation for tomorrow. Hopefully it will go well. I have about half of the slides done, but I finished all the easy ones first, so now it's time to actually do all my research.

In my procrastination I checked out all my usual sites, then headed over to the FBR Secrets LJ. It's always good for a laugh. I agreed with a lot of them, and disagreed with a lot of them too. Then I fell upon #56, and now I need to scour my brain to get the extremly disturbing mental image out! I'm not going to go into it excep to say that it was an extremly graphic dream that a young man had about two members of the label, and it made him realize that he was gay, which isn't the disturbing part; it was the graphic language used by a 13 year old boy that was disturbing.

Also, Bill got a tattoo. Waiting on the picture proof still, but from what I hear it's all about Snakes and Suits. I don't know why he would get a tattoo depicting the clothing line he's involved in. Sounds silly to me. A very strange idea for his first tattoo. I was expecting something more along the lines of a GDB or a Santi or something.

If anyone wants to put on an Aurora costume and go to my class tomorrow to present on "Implementing Appropriate and Meaningful Art Groups for People with Dementia", please email me. It's the first day (eek!) and I'm following Mitesh who's bringing in the Wii to talk about Wii Therapy... a hard act to follow.

I <3 Re-blogging

I always re-blog the nerdiness that is Bill doing a Rubik's in 2 minutes. My favorite part is the unsuspecting woman in the background at the end whose all "Find a place where that would be applicable in the real world." hahaha, if only she knew who exactly she was talking to. And she tried to tell him that he should go into computers, because he has a ton of "potential".

Rubik's Race For Chile (2nd attempt) from William Beckett Jr. on Vimeo.

Ok, I'm done being a fangirl now.

[edit] my mom just watched this video, fascinated by Bill's nimble fingers and the way he spins the layers around so quickly. Then she got all defensive of him when the woman came on saying stuff about applying it to the real world. I think it's because from the first time I met William, she's thought he's adorable. Ha, it was pretty funny listening to her go off about it for a minute though, "That woman needs to get a grip! What's her problem? Doesn't she know that she's speaking to WILLIAM BECKETT?!" ROFLMAO

Professional Development Day and LOST 5.10

Yesterday was Therapeutic Recreation Professional Development Day at Temple.  Our Professional Seminar class organized it, and I think it was a huge success. We had representatives from agencies all over the area, and from all sorts of facilities. We organized the room into sections too, so that people could check out all of one type of agency at the same time.  For instance, all of the mental/behavior health agencies were together, and all of the Long Term Care agencies were together. There was also large representation from Pediatrics, Developmental Disabilities, Physical Rehab, and outpatient care (like LIFE and Time-Out Respite Care). I feel like I'm missing a group of people... IDK... NCTRC was there which is the national organization that we get certified through. Got lots of free stuff, and everyone loved the gift bags that we gave out (Elizabeth and I spent 4 hours making them on Tuesday afternoon).   I also got to see a lot of friends and TR buds who are now interning, and were there with their supervisors. Rachel (like I never get to see her... haha), Devon, Evan, Tad, Lisa, etc...  It was a really fun time.

Now on to LOST.  I am so confused. Here are my thoughts:

1. Now that Sayid killed Ben when he was a kid, does that erase all memory/experiences with Ben that everyone had in the future?  I mean, that's so significant, it would change EVERYTHING! The Dharma Initiative would still be kickin', Juliette wouldn't have been brought to the island, I was going to say the island would've never been moved, but they actually wouldn't have had to move the island anyway, because Charles Widmore wouldn't be after Ben, the Oceanic 6 wouldn't have left the island, because there's no Ben for Widmore to hate, and therefore no boat with a helicopter to take them away.  I'm so confused.

2. Sayid: seriously???? What the hell is with killing the kid? I know it's Ben and we all hate him, but he was actually kinda a cute kid and I feel bad for him. I mean, it's really not his fault that he turned into such a fuck-up. 

3. On the other hand, maybe Ben isn't dead.

4. Um, who else thinks that Sawyer is now a huge tool? Really, as soon as he put his hand up to vote with the rest of the group, I knew he'd completely sold out. The 6 came back to help the people who were stuck on the island, and he's so self-absorbed that he couldn't care less about what they gave up to be there and help him.

5. The funny thing is that I've never been a huge Jack fan, but now I love Jack just because he's so consistent. He's still the same exact Jack as the plane crashed.

6. How cute was Sayid when he was drugged and being all truthful and stuff? Adorable.

7. We still have no idea about where/when/etc. the rest of the people are. Bernard, Rose, random other plane people we never knew, Daniel, etc.

8. Although I do think it's fun that Michelle Dessler from 24 is now on the show (Horace's wife). I was severely depressed when she got killed off of 24, because I loved her and Tony (remember in the 1st season of 24 when we all hated Tony and thought he was the bad guy, and then he turned into the best character on the show?).  Maybe the LOST island is really TV heaven, and once you die in TV land you go to the island. lol, i don't know. That's a pretty faulty theory considering that that girl's character's name isn't even Michelle. But I think I'm going to cut off my LOST thoughts there before this turns into a 24 blog.